Working with the False Self in Trauma Therapy

If our emotional needs go unmet in childhood, we often develop a false self as protection. We may have learned to be attentive to the needs of our parents or siblings and disavowed our own needs. Or, we may have centered our whole identity on our achievement. Survivors of trauma often make themselves smaller and use strict rules to give themselves a false sense of security. As they grow into young adults, they may be ashamed to admit they have no idea who they actually are.

The Chameleon

Many of those who have experienced childhood trauma describe themselves as chameleons. Their personality and sense of self is malleable and often changes based on who others need them to be. This is useful when the threat of harm or abandonment is present. If no one knows the “real self,” then there is no risk involved. The trouble is connection can feel empty and anger often arises. Many times that anger is turned inward and may result in depression and intense bouts of shame.

The Pendulum Swings

Being attentive to everyone else’s needs can come with a sense of power and grandiosity, especially if as a young child you learned to keep the peace in your household. But, being a child who didn’t understand that this role was never your responsibility, when the house erupted, there was nothing to do but blame yourself. So, the false self vacillated from narcissism to depression, often creating a sense of whiplash.

The False Self as a Defense

Defenses are made to be protective. They help us survive. However, in the long run, they can keep us stuck and hinder us. When the threat is no longer present, it can feel unsettling and sometimes anxiety provoking. Our nervous systems are primed to anticipate threat. So, without safety, our bodies do not know how to react and maintain their hypervigilance. In addition, people pleasing and feeling responsible for others’ reactions may never allow us the space to become acquainted with our true selves.

There is Joy in Discovery

Change can be scary but it can also open us up to possibility. When we take up more space, we give room for our real selves to grow and develop. We become more acquainted with our likes and dislikes, our passions and fears. Safety is created in knowing who we truly are, and it helps us develop better boundaries for ourselves and others.

A great illustration of this beginning transformation from false self to real self is illustrated in the movie, Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts’ character finally discovers that she really does not know who she is or what or whom she likes, hence the many grooms she has left at the altar. In the end scene, after realizing she has no idea how she likes her eggs, she is sitting at the diner counter joyfully trying a bite of egg prepared every which way. She gives herself permission to become acquainted with her true self.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help

Therapy can provide a safe container to not only process the trauma but also to rid yourself of your false self. Trauma doesn’t have to keep you stuck. As humans, we are constantly evolving creatures. You don’t have to contract and make yourself smaller any longer. There is room to expand. Questions and curiosity will be our guide. Harsh judgments and guilt have no place in the therapy room. There is beauty and color to be filled into your current life.

You can discover your real self. As a trauma therapist, I can help you embrace the new identity that has been there all along. We can navigate together the shifting roles you now play. We can pave the path for discovery together. Reach out today.