Unlearning Anxiety: When Uncomfortable Isn’t Unsafe
Your heart starts to pound. Your palms become sweaty. Your vision begins to blur. You have trouble forming a logical cohesive thought. Sound familiar?
When you’re anxious, your body and mind are often working against you. They are both primed to detect threat and be protective. Being uncomfortable does not equate with danger. However, anxiety will tell you otherwise. Anxiety delivers miscues. It tells your body that it is a code red and to avoid the situation at all costs. Unfortunately, this keeps the anxiety cycle alive.
Unfamiliar Situations
We are all a little nervous in new situations. A rapid heart rate does not necessarily mean that there is danger. It is an activation of our nervous systems. My swim coach used to tell me before a race that you wanted to feel butterflies in your stomach to give you adrenaline to race faster. But, he warned that you didn’t want to feel so anxious that you couldn’t breathe and perform your stroke properly. There is a delicate balance of “good anxiety.”
Familiar Feels Safe
Our brains naturally feel more comfortable with what is familiar. We gravitate toward what is known and expected. Conversely, the unfamiliar may feel terrifying. Anxiety amplifies this. When you are worried about having a panic attack or have social anxiety, the tendency is to make your world smaller and avoid difficulty.
The Cost of Avoidance
Avoidance has a cost. While staying at home wrapped in your favorite blanket, wearing your coziest pajamas, and watching a beloved tv show or movie may seem preferable to hanging with a new friend group, it does have a cost long term. Avoidance may protect and reduce anxiety in the short run, but it actually reinforces to your nervous system that the situation was dangerous. Thus, you stay stagnant, risk the joy of experiencing new connections, and actually intensify your anxiety.
Four Steps to Unlearn Anxiety
1. Name the Physical Sensation
When we can identify the physical feeling in our body, we can often provide reassurance to ourselves. For example, “the pounding heart happens when I am put on the spot or asked to make a decision.” It doesn’t actually signify danger. Our brains often incorrectly assume correlation is equated with causation.
2. Curiosity and Gradual Exposure
You can increase your distress tolerance by learning to sit with your anxiety for longer periods. Just like it is useful to name the bodily feeling, it also helps to be curious about your anxiety. When do you notice it most? Can you distinguish between the intensity in various situations? Approach your anxiety as a friend to pull up a chair with instead of a monster to escape as quickly as possible.
3. Utilize Grounding Techniques
When we incorporate the vagus nerve by slowly exhaling, it naturally massages our nervous system and has a calming effect. You can also sync up your breath with a beloved pet by resting one hand on your heart and the other on the pet’s belly or side. Orienting yourself to the present moment by incorporating all 5 senses also teaches you that you can survive your anxiety.
4. Self-Compassion is Your Best Friend
Finally, be kind to yourself. Our inner critics can be extremely loud with anxiety. This creates shame and hiding. When we embrace who we are, incorporate our personal values, and learn to sit in our anxious feelings, we grow as individuals.
Your anxiety did not happen overnight. It most likely took years or months to develop. Be patient with yourself and know that even with these skills, your anxiety will not decrease instantaneously. Reaching out for help is a brave act. Counseling for anxiety can provide a place for you to learn to distinguish between what is uncomfortable and what is actually unsafe. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is feeling the fear and doing the hard thing anyway.