Recovering from a Narcissistic Parent

Do you struggle with self-doubt? Are you great at reading other people’s emotions? Are you plagued with shame and guilt for not meeting others’ needs? Do you have a harsh inner critic? Do you struggle to recognize your own needs?

If you can identify with any of the above statements, you may have grown up with a narcissistic parent. The effects of being a child of a narcissist can be insidious. Thankfully, there is so much more information now about how to recognize narcissism. But, how do you heal from the emotional abuse you endured? It can be increasingly difficult to sift through the plethora of information. Also, trauma survivors often have difficulty articulating their feelings and experiences.

Grieve the Loss

You didn’t have the parent you deserved. You had a parent who put their own needs above yours. Your feelings and experiences were not validated. They may have been punished if it differed from your parent’s experience and expectations. You were seen as an extension of your narcissistic parent. Therefore, you were not allowed to separate and individuate. This stifles growth in a child, adolescent, and young adult.

Because all of this, there is much grief work to be done. It’s incredibly difficult to grieve someone who is still alive. Not only do you need to grieve the parent you never had, but you also need to grieve the childhood you wished for and were never given. No feelings are forbidden in grief. Anger, denial, bargaining, loss, sadness are all welcome. No matter how many times you try to turn yourself into a pretzel in hopes of gaining your parent’s unconditional love, it is never coming. And that is the most heartbreaking truth to learn to accept.

Reparent Your Inner Child

It is possible to give the child version of you the love, acceptance, and safety you deserved. Survivors of a narcissistic parent often have little patience for their own limitations. They expect themselves to know things instantly and often have little frustration tolerance. This is often a reflection of how they were treated by their narcissistic parent.

It is important to validate your experience and create self-compassion. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Notice where the trauma is stored in your body. Be patient and curious with yourself. Know that you were asked to do things your childhood self was not equipped to handle. Instead of judging, recognize the creative methods you used to survive.

Reclaim and Embrace Your True Self

That may seem like an incredibly daunting task. Again, be patient with yourself. It often takes a long time to unpack the maladaptive ways you used to self-protect. Unfortunately, the self-protection of perfectionism and people-pleasing were inhibiting you from getting to know your real self. Since there was shame instilled by your narcissistic parent for having a differing opinion, your actual likes and dislikes most likely went underground. It was much safer to be passive.

Part of healing is discovering what you actually like and what your own values are. Living a life in congruence with your values is so important and leads to freedom from shame. It can be exciting to learn new ways of expressing your authentic self.

Moving Forward

Creating a chosen family can be key on your path to freedom. Surrounding yourself with people who understand the unique isolation felt in narcissistic family dynamics can be invaluable. Learning to love yourself as you are in the current state, imperfections and all is another step in healing. In addition, working with a trauma informed therapist can help you heal childhood wounds, give you a corrective emotional experience, and help you learn to embrace your new identity.