How to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parent

Having a narcissistic parent is difficult to say the least. You may feel like you have tried everything to get them to actually see you while maintaining a relationship. Adult children of narcissistic parents are often exasperated, exhausted, and ashamed of the continual dance within themselves and with their parents.

So what are the options? We know it’s impossible to change another person. You’ve most likely been trying for years, even decades. While estrangement and cutting off contact is one option, it doesn’t have to be the only option.

Practice Radical Acceptance

To borrow a term from dialectical behavior therapy, practicing radical acceptance of your narcissistic parent can be life changing. The term is exactly as it sounds, radically accept your parent. Not the version of them you had dreamed of or wished them to be. But, the parent and person they actually are, warts, flaws, and all.

This can at first feel like a betrayal of yourself and your lived experience. I assure you that it is not. With time and practice, it provides freedom for both you and your narcissistic parent. It is accepting that their self-involvement and lack of empathy will not change.

This enables you to stop waiting for something that is not going to happen. You don’t have to keep hoping to finally receive an apology. It allows you the space to recognize that you have an emotionally immature parent who is incapable of unconditional love.

This changes the script in your head. You are not unloveable. There is not something you could have or should have done differently. You actually have a parent who does not have the capacity to love you in the way that all children deserve to be loved.

I want to be clear that this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not like someone waves a magic wand, and you are no longer plagued with all of the intricacies of being a child of a narcissistic parent. This is a reframe of your narrative and a practice, often needing to be done multiple times a day.

Set and Enforce Boundaries

You do still need to protect yourself. Just because you radically accept your narcissistic parent, this doesn’t mean you can no longer be harmed. You must check in with yourself to determine where your boundary lies.

How much contact can you allow? In what settings? And with whom? What parts of yourself will show up with your narcissistic parent? And what parts of your life will you allow access to your narcissistic parent?

Remember you will not only have to set the boundary firmly, but you will also need to enforce it, most likely multiple times. Your narcissistic parent benefits from your lack of boundaries. They will push and try to manipulate. It is second nature to them. Again, this isn’t because you haven’t been clear. It is your responsibility to reinforce the limits you need to feel safe.

Work on People Pleasing and Codepedency

You come by this honestly. You learned early on that having no opinion or feelings was the preferred method for surviving in your household as a child. It was adaptive. However, this way of being can be inhibiting your current interpersonal relationships. Your desire to merge with another or take on their likes and dislikes may decrease conflict in the short term. But, in the long term, anger often arises because you feel invisible and your own needs are not being met. Practicing in other relationships will equip you to deal more effectively with your narcissistic parent.

The Grey Rock Method

You can also try the grey rock method. Make yourself as uninteresting as a grey rock. If you keep your responses brief and boring, your narcissistic parent will quickly lose interest. This will decrease their emotional reaction and help you avoid being their target. When all else fails, trauma counseling can help you navigate this difficult journey.