Navigating the Role Shift as a Parent of a Teen

Remember when your child used to adore you and try to emulate you? There may have been constant hugs and unprompted, “I love yous.” You may remember those times fondly if you’re a parent of a teen. It may seem like a monumental task to even make eye contact with your teen these days. If they come out of their room and are disconnected from their phone and earbuds, it may feel like a small miracle. You may wonder when this change occurred and what your role as a parent now should look like.

From Direct Manager to Advisor

Gone are the days when you would schedule their meals, activities, and outfits. Teens need more of your gentle coaching and prompting than direct management. Their brains are wired to seek independence and are highly sensitive to criticism. You may think you are simply providing them with information, but they have a high need to figure things out on their own. If you control too much, you may get outward compliance but secret rebellion.

Take a deep breath and hand over the reins

This part is really hard! Especially if you have concerns about your teen’s gauge of their abilities and decision making skills. But, frankly, what parent of a teen doesn’t? Don’t be afraid of failure. You want them to fail under your roof. This is how we grow, both as parents and teens. Teens stretch our parenting, and those with a high need for control may need to find something else to throw your energy and passion into during this time period.

Treat Teens with Respect

Teens watch their parents every move. They are looking for inconsistencies and discrepancies. Authenticity is huge with teens! What you say and do must match. So, if you have a slight look of annoyance or disapproval on your face, they will notice. Your words and body language must be consistent in your communication with your teen.

Think of someone you highly regard when you are talking with your teen. Teens are so sensitive to criticism and are stretching their wings and pushing boundaries. Adolescents aren’t yet sure what they are capable of, and now is the time for them to put themselves to the test. They need your gentle support in the background.

Lots of Hard Conversations

Do you ever wonder how a simple question about plans for the day can devolve into an emotional rollercoaster? It’s really hard not to let our own emotions, as parents, get the best of us. We can have our own agendas and opinions about college applications, AP classes, sports’ teams, friends but we must let our teens lead and make their own choices. It’s important to uphold family values and rules and not turn into permissive parenting. But, your teen needs to understand the why so be prepared to explain reasons behind your thinking or decisions.

Deeply listen and refrain from instructing

Let your teen lead the conversation. Don’t put pressure on yourself to tackle everything at once or even finish discussing a certain topic. Small low stakes interactions when you offer observations and your teen is able to do most of the talking is the goal.

Keep Calm and Carry On

When all else fails, keep calm and carry on. Keep breathing, keep loving and caring for your teen, as difficult as it may be. Uphold your boundaries. Speak the truth in love. But, remember to treat them gently and refrain from outward judgment.

When you, as a parent of a teen, might need extra support in your shifting role as a parent, help is available. It is important to recognize your own triggers (and teens know how to push your buttons) and take care of your mental health. The right therapy specializing in parents of teens can be invaluable to helping you navigate the sometime rocky journey of parenting teens.