The Silence After: Understanding Grief Following Death by Suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is almost always shocking. It provokes many strong emotions in the griever and their support system. There are often more questions than answers. And, yet, the silence can be deafening. Suicide is often experienced as a traumatic loss. A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning. The bereavement following the death by suicide is complicated and complex.

The Haunting

There is still so much we don’t understand about suicide. Because of this, the aftermath following the loss is plagued with questions which haunt those left behind. Shock, extreme guilt, shame, and isolation are common experiences for those grieving a death by suicide.

Grievers often wonder what else they could have done to prevent it. They personalize the pain. Those still living often blame themselves for not stopping the suicide. The reality is, we did all we were able to do. This is grief.

The sentiments of those left behind are demonstrated in the chorus of the song “How to Save a Life” by The Fray:

How Someone Dies Does NOT Define Them

A life can still be a life well-lived even if it ends in suicide. The suicide does not define the person. It is human to suffer. Someone who dies by suicide has been in immense pain. The person had a whole life chock full of stories before they ended their life. It is important to talk about your loved one, share their story. What lit them up? What did you find most endearing about them? What annoyed you about your person who is no longer here?

Suicide is the Tenth Leading Cause of Death in the United States

Often, people think suicide doesn’t happen in happy families or to good people. Many still believe suicide is rare and shameful and something to hide. The statistics tell us otherwise, as suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States. The numbers are much higher for certain populations including adolescents and young adults, veterans, those in the construction industry, and those in the LGBTQ+ community. Most people have been affected in some shape or form by suicide.

Let’s Change the Stigma and Offer Support

Despite these staggering numbers, statistics show support is much less when there is a death by suicide. Less people attend the funeral and show up to help the families that are left behind. There is often a false belief that the dead brought this upon themselves. It was their choice to die by suicide. Therefore the death is not as worthy of being mourned.

The truth is no one chooses mental illness just like no one chooses to have cancer. There aren’t always warning signs with suicide. Again, people who die by suicide don’t die because of what we did or didn’t do. Their suffering minds saw no way out of their excruciating pain except by death.

Finding Hope in the Pain of Grief

Losing someone we love to suicide can be confusing and excruciatingly painful. However, it is possible to find healing and purpose again. We can go on living. Our lives can be honoring to our loved one’s life and bring hope to their struggle. No matter how a life ends, all life has meaning. Life should be celebrated even in death.

If you need help navigating loss from a death by suicide, please don’t hesitate to reach out to start your grief counseling journey. As a certified grief educator and experienced therapist, I can provide counseling to help you find direction and sit with silence that comes from a suicide loss.