The Good Enough Mother

As mothers, we have many dreams for our children. There is much pressure from society about how to be the perfect mother, and despite the best of intentions, the reality is that the challenges of motherhood can often be overwhelming. The great news is we only have to be “good enough” according to the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. 

Our Role As Mothers

Motherhood is hard! But, it is important not to make it needlessly harder by setting our expectations too high for both our children and ourselves. Our children look to us for guidance, containment, safety, and comfort. Our role as mothers is to help our children grow and understand themselves so that they can grow up to become happy, healthy, productive members of society. In the journey of motherhood, there are daily challenges – some more manageable than others.

Know Thyself

In the introduction of Parenting from the Inside Out, authors Daniel Siegel, M.D. and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed. state, “As we grow and understand ourselves, we can offer a foundation of emotional well-being and security that enables our children to thrive.” Indeed, part of being a good mother is taking care of our own mental health, so that we can bring that emotional wellness to our family life and parenting techniques.

For some mothers, this can be challenging. We all make mistakes, getting overly frustrated, forgetting that it was picture day at school, running late, feeling like there is never enough time in the day. It is simply not easy with hectic schedules and juggling numerous priorities in our daily lives. We are often excellent caregivers but not so great at taking care of ourselves.

Perfect is Not the Goal

We all know that no one is perfect, yet somehow many of us strive for this unrealistic expectation of ourselves. We have to be extremely careful not to do this so that it becomes unhealthy or distracting to what’s most important in our lives. Remember: do not measure your weaknesses by someone else’s strengths. Know what you are capable of and celebrate the things which make you uniquely you.

4 Tips to Give Yourself Grace

1. One of the ways we can care for ourselves is by giving ourselves grace. Sometimes just looking at all that we are managing puts it all in perspective.

2. I’m a big fan of Mommy time-outs. Sometimes we just need 5 minutes to decompress, breathe, and think. Don’t feel guilty for being unavailable just so you can have a few minutes of quiet or alone time.

3. When we are present enough to notice how we react to our children, we become more aware of the triggers and can work toward offsetting negative emotions or reactions. Recognizing what we need in those moments and being able to ask for help is incredibly important.

4. Do things that help you to feel replenished. Sometimes a walk outside, coffee with a friend, a date night, or a playdate to break up the monotony can provide a new perspective, distraction, or much needed decompression.

Motherhood is a Journey of Ups and Downs

Mothering is not a single event or a snapshot in time but a journey. There is a dance that we do with our children, sometimes quickly, sometimes from a distance, and sometimes in an intimate embrace. We will all make mistakes, but it is how to handle those mistakes with grace and dignity both for ourselves and our children that makes all the difference.

It is so important to have your identity established apart from being a mother. Who were you before you became a mother? What goals do you have for yourself?

If you still find yourself overwhelmed, it might be time to seek out professional help. A good therapist who specializes in working with moms can give you the space you need to process your feelings and understand how your past is affecting your present.